You Got Your Chocolate In My Peanut Butter!

What comes to my mind when I think of marriage? Old TV commercials. Let me explain. Did you ever see the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials in the 80s... the one where two people are heading toward each other around a corner, one is eating a chocolate bar (normal), the other is noshing on a jar of peanut butter (not normal) and they collide (well, at least their desserts of choice do). "Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" "You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!" (Keep in mind, the writers of this commercial might have had some leanings toward the food/sex combo). Then, they take a bite and realize it's perfect. The commercial ends with, "Two great tastes that taste great together." So idyllic. The truth of it is that marriage is kind of like that. You bring new things to the other person's life. My wife does that for me, in more ways than I can count. But you also bring the junk that everyone has from years of growing up in dysfunctional and nutty families. It's like the saliva on the chocolate bar and on the peanut butter spoon that never gets mentioned in the commercial. "You got your chocolate AND your disgusting glob of spit in my peanut butter! Blecchhhh!"

That stuff is all true, but it doesn't mean that the combination of two very different people can't be wonderful and transformative. But, do two people come together and magically turn into beautiful and sweet people who coalesce perfectly after the wedding day? Does Oprah have to think about whether or not she can afford to buy a 2nd Frappuccino? About 85.7% of the time, I clamor after my own needs. I want her (not Oprah, my wife) to think about me. I want her to be mindful of my needs and, yes, I even want her to read my mind (my friends will say that this is because I am metro-sexual, and I will get violently defensive after making sure my hair has enough product in it). Then, I throw in all of my expectations of her on top of that. Stuff from my childhood, ways I learned how to do things, ways my family did things. Frankly, it's a pretty big hill to climb, and rather than making that hill flatter and flatter for my wife, I expect her to climb it with flip flops and no rope.

It's not often that I realize that I can be a pretty tough person to live with. It is always easier to fault find than it is to self-examine. That's why everyone thinks he or she is a good driver. I also think I'm easy to get along with most of the time. My wife is an amazing person, I and it's all too often that I forget that she is uniquely made, a different person from me. She is wonderful in ways that I could not possibly be. She is hilarious in ways I never think of, She is organized and good with information that I don't even think of processing. She is a great planner, financially, for our extensive vacations and for the future ("No, cable TV is probably not good for us. Let's buy some books on things we want to learn about."). She is also sweet and selfless and typically surprises me in new ways all the time ("Look, honey. I bought you that $10 issue of Car Magazine!"). These are just some examples. I married her not because I thought she would make me happy or because I thought she'd fulfill all my needs. I married her because she is my best friend and because she brings beauty and goodness to my life that I could not find in myself. She made me see things as I needed to see them. Perhaps that process has only just begun. Now, where's my peanut butter?

Resolution #6:  I will strive to place my wife's needs above my own, each and every day. I will take the time each week to sit down and listen to her, rather than talking to her.